In fact, many historians, sociologists, and anthropologists used to think romantic love was a recent Western invention. This is not true. People have always fallen in love, and throughout the ages many couples have loved each other deeply. But only rarely in history has love been seen as the main reason for getting married. When someone did advocate such a strange belief, it was no laughing matter. Instead it was considered a serious threat to social order.
In some cultures and times, true love was actually thought to be incompatible with marriage. Plato believed love was a wonderful emotion that led men to behave honorably. Other societies considered it good if love developed after marriage or thought love should be factored in along with the more serious considerations involved in choosing a mate. But even when past societies did welcome or encourage married love, they kept it on a short leash. Couples were not to put their feelings for each other above more important commitments, such as their ties to parents, siblings, cousins, neighbors, or God.
In ancient India falling in love before marriage was seen as a disruptive, almost antisocial act. The Greeks thought lovesickness was a type of insanity, a view that was adopted by medieval commentators in Europe. This cure assumed, as Oscar Wilde once put it, that the quickest way to conquer yearning and temptation was to yield immediately and move on to more important matters.
In China excessive love between husband and wife was seen as a threat to the solidarity of the extended family. They could also require him to take a concubine if his wife did not produce a son. In the Chinese language the word for love did not traditionally apply to feelings between husband and wife. It was used to describe an illicit, socially disapproved relationship. In the s a group of intellectuals invented a new word for love between spouses because they thought such a radical idea required its own special label. In Europe, during the twelfth and thirteenth centuries, adultery became idealized as the highest form of love among the aristocracy.
In twelfth-century France, Andreas Capellanus, chaplain to Countess Marie of Troyes, wrote a treatise on the principles of courtly love. As late as the eighteenth century the French essayist Montaigne wrote that any man who was in love with his wife was a man so dull that no one else could love him. Courtly love probably loomed larger in literature than in real life.
- A Companion to Paleopathology (Wiley Blackwell Companions to Anthropology).
- Man Offal.
- How to create a meaningful legacy: 101+ ways to be remembered (Conscientious Living).
- The George W. Bush Defense Program: Policy, Strategy & War.
- The China Trader!
But for centuries noblemen and kings fell in love with courtesans rather than the wives they married for political reasons. Queens and noblewomen had to be more discreet than their husbands, but they, too, looked beyond marriage for love and intimacy. This sharp distinction between love and marriage was common among the lower and middle classes as well. Many of the songs and stories popular among peasants in medieval Europe mocked married love.
The two eloped without marrying, and she bore him a child. E ven in societies that esteemed married love, couples were expected to keep it under strict control. Public displays of affection between husband and wife were considered unseemly. A Roman was expelled from the Senate because he had kissed his wife in front of his daughter. And, like their European counterparts, secular writers in the Islamic world believed that love thrived best outside of marriage. Many cultures still frown on placing love at the center of marriage. In Africa the Fulbe people of northern Cameroon do not see love as a legitimate emotion, especially within marriage.
As a result, men and women often relate to each other in public, even after marriage, through the conventions of a war between the sexes, disguising the fondness they may really feel. They describe their marital behavior, no matter how exemplary it may actually be, in terms of convenience, compulsion, or self-interest rather than love or sentiment.
Love has often been seen as a desirable outcome of marriage but not as a good reason for getting married in the first place. The Hindu tradition celebrates love and sexuality in marriage, but love and sexual attraction are not considered valid reasons for marriage. As recently as a survey of college students in the Indian state of Karnataka found that only 18 percent strongly approved of marriages made on the basis of love, while 32 percent completely disapproved. Similarly, in early-modern Europe, most people believed that love developed after marriage.
Laura Menze is the Chief Love Officer at Ready-Match offering a unique and authentic approach to dating and matchmaking for singles in the Denver, Colorado area and across the globe. You can see Laura in action as a featured coach in the television series, Radical Dating , which follows 5 clients in their journey to break through their barriers to find lasting love after Laura also walks her talk in training new, up-and-coming coaches in the skills of Professional Coaching as well as how to coach Singles through the Radical Dating Program at The Relationship Coaching Institute.
She really connects with her clients and is passionate about helping them create the relationships they desire. She creates an individualized approach for each client combining personal experience, education, and coaching helping them to quickly identify issues that are stopping them from moving forward. And, also, sometimes partnerships are begun with someone who is toxic.
Radical Love | Radical Forgiveness
Some mothers move on as an act of honouring themselves. I have a theory about motherhood. A soul-wrenching journey of growth and healing that moulds us into a wholly different person.
- Poverty in Transition Economies (Routledge Studies of Societies in Transition)?
- Identifying the Root of Bitterness and its Symptoms;
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- To the radical mama who wants to save her marriage!
- Our Church.
- Marriage Radicals | National Review.
I became ME then and here I still am. Our vision quest turns us inside out. And, oh, the healing love we have for them. A love so intense at times it has felt like every regenerated cell is vibrating. Only to then be stripped empty by surprise rage or grief or the dull, repetitive mundanity of every day life with kids.
We have questioned everything, dismantled the status quo. We have read all the books and listened to all the podcasts.
At the Dawn of Gay Liberation, Same-Sex Marriage Was a Radical Idea
We have wrestled with our old patterns. We are monks of the highest most saintly order! We are legends to rival King Arthur and his sword! Every one of us should go down in history as the woman who did what was required of her. Who accepted the quest and lived. Yet here we are, opening the curtains, brushing oats off the sofa and looking for a pair of tiny matching socks. While you, you are unrecognisable. Even to yourself.
How they become passive supporters, or outright naysayers, of the progressive journey the mother wants to take them on. Society, for the most part, raises men to believe their quest is a material one. So when the babies are born, instead of diving inward, our menfolk dive outward into work, into providing safe shelter, enough food for the table. They become single-minded about being the provider. I see this pattern all around me too. How many men become locked into this role. Even though this is not what requires of them.
A Radical Change of Heart
I have sat on this post for a long time, not wanting to hit post in case I jinx things. But I believe the opposite is true, by posting something honest and compassionate I am putting more honesty and compassion out in the world, rather than inviting pain and tragedy. Tim and I have been on our unique quests. And we had a hard year last year.
The hardest yet. It really bit us on the bum. To involve each other, share our insights, to quest together. So I hope this post is helpful. Also, forgive my use of gendered pronouns. Acknowledging the shared interest and all the reasons you do want to invest wholeheartedly into this relationship is an important first step. But alas… the chemistry…. I think 1 sex and 2 gratitude can go along way in bringing back the chemistry that once danced between you.
So book sex in, if you can.
What Radical Husbands Do: 12 Steps to Win and Keep Your Wife's Heart
Get it on Wall Calendar. We are sharing from the heart and someone is hearing us. That authentic connection. Is there a way you can begin a practice with your partner where you sit and hear each other? Where you share feelings with non judgement, where you tell your stories to each other? He feels jealous that the kids get so much energy from you, that they take up all your time, that you find so much meaning in relationship with them and not with him. So instead he makes barbed comments about the way you are doing things with them. Or he is rude to you.
Perhaps there is a meanness there. A quick pointed finger. The healing for all of this is time together.
Related Radical Heart/Radical Marriage
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